Quick Take
Santa Cruz therapist Lisa Herendeen is worried about another four years with Donald Trump as president. She fears for democracy, free speech, climate change initiatives and immigration and human rights. She has composed a speech she wishes all the Trump supporters in her life would say to her. And, she insists, we can’t let Trump’s reelection suck out all our happiness.
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Some people say they are not as upset about Donald Trump’s surprise landslide win as they thought they would be. They tell me 2016 was the real shocker.
Pissed off, defiant and more clear-eyed is how they seem now. This may be a good sign. Acceptance is the final stage of grief, according to Elisabeth Kübler-Ross. We can’t move forward with our lives until we get to acceptance. And getting to acceptance when about half the country has let us down might take some time.
What is going to happen next?
Are we going to lose our democracy? Will we be able to talk freely? What about climate change? Will our neighbors get deported? Will trans people lose rights? Are we going to pretend it isn’t happening?
It is like we are trapped in a cage with a group of people who seem to be in a collective psychosis.
If you were ever married to a narcissist/sociopath and managed to get free, you have a bit of an advantage. You probably understand the heartbreak and finality of the loss. It is not easy, but at least it is clear. The lines are drawn and the unknown battle lies ahead.
A local boutique owner and I talked while I was doing some retail therapy on Saturday.
“This is the third time you (red America) voted for him. Well, I say to myself, – f–k you. I am not going to let you steal my joy.”
Everyone is going to have a different response, but her idea of having a 20% off sale and being friendly worked for me.
What would help me is an apology from all the men or women in my life or in my high school class who voted for Trump, because we have some unfinished emotional business. I don’t have a lifetime to process this grief so here, Trump voters, is your script.
“Lisa, I am a total mess. I don’t have the skills to pull myself out of my delusions. I know Fox News exploits my fears and fuels my anger. But, it is the only way I know to deal with the enormous emotional pain I feel. I don’t have the ability or willpower to get treatment for the trauma I have inside me. Trump helps me feel strong and powerful again.
“I liked you in high school and even liked debating politics with you. But I have changed. I want absolute control now.
“I know that Trump may hurt you and take away the rights of women and minorities, and destroy our democracy, but I don’t care. It is survival for me. So, don’t try to change my mind. I need my stories about you killing babies and allowing kids to change their genders, even if I know logically that none of this is true. Go and live your ordinary life in California. I am with Trump now and he is a God.”
It is hard to fathom that so many people voted for a crazy violent man who will hurt us as a nation and the world. Have they all lost their minds?
Defiant badass rock and roll is what I need right now. Lucinda Williams’ “Joy” is a good one.
“I don’t want you anymore ’cause you took my joy. I am going to go down to Memphis and look for my joy,” she sings in that raspy voice of hers.
We are a long way from Memphis, but Santa Cruz has lots of places to find joy. So, go down to Cowell’s and look for yours.
Lucinda’s mother had a mental illness. I was once married to someone with so much PTSD it made him impossible. I got out by finding like-minded people and hanging out with them. So, do that. Or play their music if it makes you feel good.
The main thing is don’t let anyone steal your sanity or your joy.
When my daughter was in high school, she said that she was glad I didn’t go down the rabbit hole of crazy when her dad, my then-husband, got caught up in conspiracy theories and other insanity.
So that is the best advice I can give right now. Stay mentally healthy, take care of yourself, take care of others if you can.
Your country needs you.
Lisa Herendeen, LCSW, M.Ed., is a private practice psychotherapist working with couples, families and individuals in Santa Cruz. Before she became a therapist she was a writer for various political organizations in Washington, D.C.