Adrian Gonzalez testifies about troubled childhood, mental health struggles

Adrian Gonzalez took the stand in his own defense Wednesday during the trial for his release, speaking about his turbulent childhood and struggles with depression in the years before he killed Madyson Middleton, along with his mental health treatment while in custody. 

Donning a navy blue button-up and glasses, Gonzalez took the same seat that numerous others have over the course of the trial. He said he was nervous to address the Santa Cruz courtroom, but the deep-voiced, soft-spoken 25-year-old answered questions from his attorney, Charlie Stevens, clearly and carefully, occasionally pausing to collect his thoughts. With each answer, he slightly turned to the 12 jurors and four alternates as if speaking directly to them.

Gonzalez is in the midst of a trial that will determine whether he should be released from custody now that he has aged out of the juvenile justice system, or remain incarcerated for another two years. The trial, which has so far spanned more than two months, including breaks, has included extensive testimony from law enforcement, psychologists and other expert witnesses. 

After Roger Karlsson, a Stanford University forensic and clinical psychologist who interviewed Gonzalez both in 2017 and last year, finished the second of two full days of testimony Wednesday, Stevens called Gonzalez to the stand. 

Gonzalez wasn’t questioned about what led him to rape and murder Middleton, his 8-year-old neighbor in the Tannery Arts Center complex, in 2015 when he was 15 years old, or whether he believes he is safe for release a decade later. Instead, Stevens began asking Gonzalez about his early memories without further context. 

Gonzalez recalled that while he had a hard time adjusting to the many times he switched schools, he has “both good and bad memories.” He said that when he was sent to live with family in the Philippines around kindergarten, he didn’t exactly know why, nor did he know if and when he would be coming back to the United States, leaving him “scared, upset and stressed.” While there were some people who spoke English, language was a major barrier in communication.

When he came back to the U.S., he said he had difficulties connecting with other students at first, and struggled with changing schools, in part because of his unstable home life. A retired public defense investigator previously testified that Gonzalez had moved 35 times by the time he was 9 years old.

“I remember renting rooms, I remember living at the Rebele shelter,” he said, referring to the homeless shelter for families at the intersection of Coral Street and River Street. “I remember a night spent in my mom’s car. I didn’t have anything to compare it to, so that felt normal and regular.”

Gonzalez said he remembers his mother smoking and drinking, but didn’t necessarily view it negatively. He admitted that he doesn’t specifically remember one of his mother’s partners threatening them with violence, as previous witnesses have testified, and said he doesn’t recall any specific negative memories of his mother’s partners during his elementary school years. He later recalled an intense yelling match between his mother and one of her partners while living at the Tannery Arts Center apartments, but does not remember calling 911, despite saying that past witnesses testified that he did.

As he entered middle school, Gonzalez said he began having a hard time in class despite making some friends. Once he hit eighth grade, though, he said he began struggling academically. He said that he was bullied in his physical education classes, where he was teased for being overweight and called “gay.”

Gonzalez said he began cutting himself in middle school. A classmate noticed, and having dealt with depression herself, encouraged him to seek help at school. 

“I had low self-esteem, not a lot of hope for myself for the future, and just really felt lowly about myself,” he said.

He eventually went to a school counselor, who suggested involving Gonzalez’s mother in counseling sessions. He said that didn’t go well, and that she interrupted the conversation and got angry and frustrated with him. 

“My mom would always tell me that I had a job to do and she had a job to do. Hers was to provide clothing, housing and food, and all I had to do was get good grades and not get in trouble,” he said. “She said that I was causing problems in our life.”

When he got to Santa Cruz High School, Gonzalez said he continued to struggle both academically and with depression, although he made two close friends whom he referred to as “John” and “Sam.” They are no longer in contact, but Gonzalez did not specify why he lost touch with them.

Gonzalez said he was called into the school counselor’s office because someone had anonymously raised concerns about his well-being, but he didn’t specify what those concerns were. That visit involved a group phone call with Gonzalez, a counselor and his mother, where Gonzalez said he was fine. That wasn’t true, he testified, adding that he said it to avoid angering his mother. He said he did not receive depression therapy until after his 2015 arrest.

Gonzalez said he began to steal paint from Lenz Arts nearby on River Street during high school, something that Karlsson, the Stanford psychologist, testified about on Tuesday. Gonzalez admitted that he did it both for the thrill and because he couldn’t afford paint for his hobby, but mostly the latter.

After his arrest, he began meeting with Steven Capasso, a retired therapist who used to work for Santa Cruz County. Gonzalez did not tell Capasso that he was thinking of suicide, as he didn’t want to remain in the observation room, a type of higher-security room in juvenile hall with a camera. However, he said he gradually got more comfortable speaking about his mental health. He said he believes therapy helped, but he still felt depressed from time to time.

Gonzalez said he had safety concerns for himself in county juvenile hall. He said he was the target of physical violence three times, and verbal attacks more frequently.

“Being someone with sex offense charges puts a risk to my safety because within juvenile hall, that is very frowned upon and could make me a target of violence,” he said. When he was moved to the adult jail when he turned 18, he said he was placed in the protective custody unit, which at the time held sex offenders and gang dropouts.

Gonzalez will continue his testimony on Thursday.

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