On the one-year anniversary of my husband’s death, I have decided to retire from writing

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As I am coming up on the one-year anniversary of my husband Michael’s death,  I wanted to thank all of the readers who have held my hand over the past 12 months. I can’t express just how much it has meant. How much it has helped. 

When I first began writing for Lookout in summer 2022, I was married to Michael and we were looking forward to his retirement and all of the traveling we might finally be able to do. His death, just weeks before he would have achieved this goal, did more than simply pull the rug out from me, the floor seemed to disappear as well. 

I was in free fall. But thanks to family, friends and you, dear readers, I landed softly. Oh, I am so grateful for the comments I received while out and about and the warm, encouraging letters I found in my emails after a column in Lookout. I was so wounded and they were such a balm. 

I have accomplished a lot in the past 12 months of widowhood. My stack of paperwork has gone down and my self-confidence has grown. I have learned to take it one chore at a time. I have had to remind myself I can manage on my own, even though I had never imagined I would have to. 

I have met other women who have suffered the same type of loss and learned from them. A hard lesson has been that even after several years, grief can linger. It can rise up and knock you in the chest when least expected. But it doesn’t have to knock you out. 

I will miss Michael until I breathe my last. I don’t expect that to ever change. But at the same time, I need to recognize the reality of this new life. It is mine and mine alone to do with what I want.

A few weeks ago, I wrote a column about choices. What to do with this unexpected journey of one. How to spend my next chapter. After careful deliberation, I have decided to retire from writing. I spent years as a columnist for the Santa Cruz Sentinel; I have written three memoirs. I feel like I need to step back and keep quiet for a bit. 

Then, perhaps I’ll attempt one more memoir. Perhaps. But for now, no more interrupting your Sunday mornings with what I am thinking about. What I’ve been up to.

I am crossing the threshold into a new time of life. I will be spending more time in New York, my home away from home, and I’ll be hanging out with my daughter, Kira, and grandson, Dodger, in Los Angeles more often. Hopefully, if I am brave enough to go without Michael, I will travel to Italy, the first place on our list of places to see once he had retired. I still enjoy looking through the book about Italy we purchased when we shared that dream. 

None of this is easy. But I feel the need to really turn the page, see what the next chapter will bring. I wish I could feel Michael patting me on the back and telling me this is a good idea. But I can’t. This decision is mine and mine alone. It feels like the right time. 

Lookout has been a wonderful place to share my life. I am ever grateful for everyone on the staff. Especially my editor, Jody K. Biehl. 

Feb. 25 will be the one-year mark since Michael passed. His ashes were scattered at sea. I plan on spending much of the day down at the beach thinking about our 40 years together and how thankful I am for the life we had. Then I’ll head back home and begin to envision the future and what I might make of it. I

I’ll be taking with me every kind word I have received from all of you. And I pray that what I have written over the past decades has entertained as well as helped in even the smallest of ways.