Stay or go as a widow? Majority of readers advised me to remain in Santa Cruz – here’s what I heard

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Gobsmacked. 

I was gobsmacked by how many readers responded to my shoutout to those who have lost a longtime partner and have made a choice about starting fresh in new surroundings, moving closer to family or staying put in the familiar comfort of their homes. 

Close to 200 folks familiar with this dilemma wrote to me to share their stories and offer advice. The majority of them (you, dear readers) advised me to stay in the area. If not in my own home, at least in the same surroundings. Friendships at this stage of life are too valuable to risk losing, you note. Although a few did say I seem like the kind of person who could make friends anew, what would still be lost is the history I have with my decadeslong connections.

Susan, of Aptos, found her solution just a few blocks from the beach. After deciding whether or not to move from her family home, a place she found comfort as well as security, she discovered the memories were simply too much to deal with every day. Her husband had built their home and he really was everywhere she looked. It became too much. 

But she loves this area, so she decided to create a new nest for herself, still close to friends and also close enough to stroll to the beach for her daily walks. Brava for her!

Sharon suggested I check out the “Ring Theory” created by psychologist Susan Silk and her friend Barry Goldman back in 2013. It is a fascinating theory that explains that in crisis, the person who is affected is in the center of the circle, supportive friends and family are one circle out. On and on the circles continue. I found it interesting to be able to picture myself in the center ring and to then build each circle according to whom I have leaned on, who has stood by me. It gave me much to contemplate as well as much to be grateful for. Circles of life. Circles of love. Circles I may not want to leave.

Annette suggested renting my house out for a spell and trying out other places to see if I felt I belonged. A good idea. One I will add to my list of possibilities. 

Sharon had an interesting suggestion – visiting nurses. They are often looking for furnished places to live while working in temporary nursing positions at local hospitals. I could turn over the keys to a health care worker for a few months and explore other options here or someplace else I might be tempted to try. I had never thought of that. 

Shari advised me to stay put. She believes I live in such a beautiful place that I would miss it terribly. And she claims that Los Angeles would never come close to Santa Cruz on a list of top 10 places to live, even if it brought me closer to my daughter and grandson.

I have to admit I was surprised at how many readers really don’t think much of our neighbors down south. 

Becky locked her front door and moved to southern Oregon and deeply regrets it. She quotes Judy Garland’s mantra, “There’s no place like home.”

Nancy, who lost her husband, moved, believing it would give her a fresh start 13 years ago and still regrets it. She was running away, she believes. 

Susan was direct in her advice. Stay was all she wrote. 

That balances out the advice I received from Tim. Leave, he wrote. Start over.

Cathy offered more specific advice on going someplace new. Green Valley, Arizona, a retirement community filled with lots of socializing and activities. 

The other evening, my 10-year-old grandson, Dodger, Facetimed me and I asked him what he thought about my situation. He said if I did move he wanted something special from my house. 

“What?” I asked him. 

“The air in the garage,” he said. 

Since he was a tiny thing, he has always loved the smell of our garage. After picking him up at the airport and driving home to Aptos and then into the garage, the first thing he always does when he gets out of the car is take a deep breath and inhale whatever that scent is and then he grins. Like he is home. 

I don’t know what he detects, dryer sheets? The oily parts of the lawnmower? Whatever it is, he has an emotional connection to it. As long as I can capture that magic in a jar and trap it for him, he will be OK with a move. Especially if I set up housekeeping close to him. 

But, as many readers noted, kids get older and lose interest in hanging out with their grannies. Ten is the edge. I know that. 

In a note from Dawn, she said her dream is to get an RV with a piece of land for home base, but then to go on adventures. 

Michael advised me to get out there and join a gym, practice yoga, swim, and talk to the nice folks who live here. Sound advice. 

Capitola resident June has found living in a condo with an ocean view to be just perfect for her after her husband died. They moved in together, but he passed just weeks later. She is thriving in her condo community. “Come be my neighbor,” she offered.

Margie has found that taking up golf opened a door to new friendships and has made a huge difference in her life. And the women she plays with are all seniors who appreciate the sport and the camaraderie out on the green.

So what have I learned? What can I take from the well-thought-out advice and suggestions from so many readers? 

The first lesson is obvious, we live in a place loved by its residents. About 80% of the letters I received said to stay. Santa Cruz settles in one’s heart. The natural beauty of the redwoods and Monterey Bay, the artistic and creative people who choose to live here, the easy access to the beach (if you are still able-bodied, anyway), the character of the community.

Even though it is hard to make it work financially (and so many are, even as they age, struggling to hang on here), most never want to leave. That is partly what makes this place unique. There was so much passion in the letters. I could feel the scales tipping in the “stay” direction. 

I will also remember the advice not to do anything major in the first year. Maybe not even the second. And after reading each and every glorious letter, I feel more at home here than I ever have. 

Even without my Michael.