Quick Take
Santa Cruz therapist Lisa Herendeen tries to make sense of the public argument that erupted between U.S. President Donald Trump and Ukrainian President Volodymyr Zelenskyy. “Mediation is difficult with someone who has a borderline personality disorder,” she writes. “Ask anyone who has tried to mediate a marital settlement agreement. Mediators are cautioned to go slow and stop the action when there is any sign of cohesive control and manipulation.” Or, she says, it could just be that Venus is in retrograde, as her astrology-minded friend suspects.
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Donald Trump threw out a perfectly good agreement about the war in the Ukraine in favor of Russia recently. Horrified, it was all I could think about last weekend.
Doomscrolling the internet was one option, but I know that it is not good for me. And as a therapist, I try to walk my talk. So, I spoke to my friends around town and organized my perspective into this article.
My friend Jane said that Venus is in retrograde right now and will be for the next 40 days. When Venus is moving backward, Lucifer is in charge and things get dramatic, she said.
I am not really an astrology person, so I will give you my take on the debacle, as a mediator and personal and professional expert on personality disorders.
Mediation is difficult with someone who has a borderline personality disorder. Ask anyone who has tried to mediate a marital settlement agreement. Mediators are cautioned to go slow and stop the action when there is any sign of cohesive control and manipulation.
Why didn’t anyone stop the action that Friday afternoon? Seriously, the entire world was watching. It was embarrassing.
My friend Grant says that this was on purpose. Trump is the master of television. He spent 12 years on “The Apprentice,” Grant reminds me. The man knows how to create a story the press will eat up. So, I digested out loud, it was orchestrated to embarrass Ukrainian President Volodymyr Zelenskyy and bully him into getting more in line with what Trump and Russian President Vladimir Putin want in a peace deal?
Yikes. But that makes sense.
The power imbalance is what I noticed when I read the transcript (I couldn’t stomach much of watching clips). Trump repeatedly told Zelenskyy — you are weak, you have no cards. And then Trump and Vice President J.D. Vance got testy when Zelenskyy tried to speak up for himself or tell them his view on things.
FYI: Never do this with a borderline person. Don’t contradict their narrative or they will think you are criticizing them. Just try to understand what they are saying and summarize their point of view, then reflect it back so they know you are listening. You can do this even if you don’t agree with them.
I called a family member who lives in Silicon Valley. She is much calmer about political matters than I am. She tried to reassure me that when the federal government’s chaotic job cuts hit people’s pocket books, Trump will be voted out.
OK, good, but I am still thinking about the debacle over the war in Ukraine. I mean leaders from Europe flew to America to make sure it would happen. How could our government let down our friends and allies that go back 80 years?
People with borderline personality disorders find it difficult to honor agreements. Sometimes after thinking about an agreement, they decide it is unfair to them and try to find a way out of it. They don’t want to look bad so they blame the other party. For example, they will say, “I am not honoring the child support agreement since you are just spending the money on yourself and not the kids.”
The department of child support enforcement exists for this reason. Thank God.
When I let myself peek at the news last Sunday night, I read that Vance visited Vermont for a weekend ski trip and was met with protests and a localized insult, “J.D. Vance skis in jeans.”
Only an idiot shows up in jeans because they get wet and you freeze, I surmised from the article.
I asked my son for an equivalent surfer insult.
“Beat it, kook” was his response.
So, J.D. Vance better stay away from Santa Cruz surf spots.
I like the “Venus in retrograde” analysis the best. It lasts 40 days and 40 nights and evokes deep reflection. Like Jesus in the desert or Buddha under the Bodhi tree. They were being tested.
We are being tested. It is a good time to contemplate and do whatever induces embodied wisdom in you. Prayer and action may be needed.
Relationships that break up during this period are also more likely to get back together. So that is what I hope happens here — the U.S. and Europe patch things up. I will pray for that outcome. We have enough to worry about at home without an international disaster.
Lisa Herendeen, LCSW, M.Ed., is a private practice psychotherapist working with couples, families and individuals in Santa Cruz. Before she became a therapist, she was a writer for various political organizations in Washington, D.C.