Quick Take
Santa Cruz therapist Lisa Herendeen is stunned by the harsh rhetoric and blame game circling the Los Angeles fires. What we need is empathy, she writes, and leaders who understand the merits of nonviolent communication. She just finished a training on this and she applies nonviolent communication skills to the political moment – and to the angry language she hears coming from Donald Trump, Elon Musk and others. Where are our leaders, she wonders. She longs for public rhetoric that raises us all up. She is even nostalgic for the Terminator.
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If your partner responds to problems by lashing out, blaming you or offering threats, rather than comfort, it’s time to rethink your relationship. Your partner might be a narcissist or worse.
I think about this as I imagine the people in Los Angeles who are scared and worried about pulling their broken lives together and about how the government and community will help them recover from this unimaginable disaster.
What I am seeing from our leaders is not inspiring. Our officials are squabbling with each other instead of assuring the public that the city will rise again. It makes me angry and worried. We need comfort, not conflict.
As a Santa Cruz therapist for over 20 years, I know how destructive this type of rhetoric is for relationships. Marriages with high levels of dismissiveness and contempt don’t last. And the research on trauma points clearly to the importance of connection and pulling together in order for a community to recover after trauma.
It is terrifying, but I am missing Rudy Giuliani. Not the discredited Trump hack whose indictments are hard to keep track of, but the Rudy who was “America’s mayor,” standing in the rubble of the 9/11 terrorist attacks and promising that New York – all of America – would emerge stronger. I’d even take the Terminator right now. At least Arnold Schwarzenegger has read Hollywood scripts about heroism. You have to feel both would handle this moment better.
Donald Trump’s response to the tragedy in L.A. has largely consisted of name-calling and finger-pointing. This is especially unnerving. He will be inaugurated soon as president, and is the worst possible role model for empathy.
The only moment of grace in the week of tragedy news was the loveliness of former President Jimmy Carter’s funeral and the Bob Dylan movie. Can you send some of that emotional intelligence and empathy down to us from heaven, Jimmy? We need it. Our world is on fire.
Good methods for communication do exist. I just did a training program with The Center for Nonviolent Communication (NVC), an international nonprofit that works to teach people how to communicate in ways that foster peace, connection and community. The organization has a center in Santa Cruz and offers regular training. The founder of this method, Marshall Rosenberg, was an international peacekeeper who influenced some of Carter’s closest advisers.
There is an NVC center in L.A. and one close to Washington, D.C., in Baltimore. I am just saying, maybe our leaders need some help in this department because what I am seeing is a path to disaster. It is abusive.
Affluent abuse – domestic violence in affluent communities – is a speciality of mine. I worked in family court in San Mateo County, where I learned a lot about it. Today’s affluent leaders (Donald Trump, Elon Musk and friends) are not that different from affluent abusers. They use threats, courts and money to control or hurt their foes. Affluent abusers rarely hit their spouses; instead, they terrorize them in ways that are hard to see. Hitting is a “lower-class” activity in the world of domestic violence.
Trump’s unofficial vice president, Musk, illustrates the kind of destructive behavior and language I am talking about. He was on his social media platform X recently telling everyone he would start a war over H-1B visas “the likes of which you have never seen.”
I’ve had clients whose spouses used to sound like Elon when they didn’t get their way.
Communication meant to evoke fear or shame can be hard to withstand because it is so devious and confusing. Some people I’ve known have half-heartedly wished their abusers would go for an old-fashioned hit with the fist so they could have tangible proof of what was happening.
Nonviolent communication is a good antidote. It has four steps: observations, feelings, needs and requests. It is taught in many American schools, and a lot of people are now familiar with the classic instructions to begin with an “I statement.” The hard part of the technique is to know how you feel in the moment, name your feelings and manage those feelings effectively.
If Trump were in touch with his feelings – I can’t believe I just wrote that – but, if he were, then he would have the ability to relate to the people of L.A. in a meaningful way. He might say something comforting like, “I imagine you are very scared right now, and worried that politics will get in the way of assistance.”
Most people don’t learn how to offer empathy, not just the narcissists. Empathy is not taught in schools and it is difficult to learn if you don’t have good role models. And the world of social media, with its emphasis on judging and comparing, just makes things worse.
However, if you use NVC techniques enough you can learn to put yourself in someone else’s shoes and help them, without losing yourself. Empathy is the bedrock of social/emotional intelligence.
Here is an example of how Elon Musk would sound if he had been to a NVC workshop before posting his strong opinions about immigration.
“I notice that the MAGA Trumpers want to eliminate the H-1B visa immigration program (observation).
“I feel angry (feeling) about that because I came to the U.S. on an H-1B visa etc.”
“I need H-1B visas to stay in place, no matter what you told your supporters” (need).
“Take a big step back and F— YOURSELF in the face.” (request). Oops. I wrote Musk’s actual words.
“Please do not eliminate the H-1B visa program” (request).
Both Musk and Carter have/had high IQs — over 150, reportedly. No one knows Trump’s IQ or cares about it, apparently. I remember reading that Carter was one of the smartest presidents ever. And it seemed strange to me that no one mentions this, given our culture’s obsession with analytical thinking. Yet, at the end of your life, no one cares about your IQ because those tests don’t measure the more important things in life, like compassion and empathy.
So, if you are concerned about the state of the world and, in your interactions with people and community, you want to be more like Carter than Trump or Musk, you might consider trying out nonviolent communication tactics.
Santa Cruz has always been a haven of counterculture. So be rebellious by being empathic. And if you need counterculture inspiration, go see the Bob Dylan movie while it is still playing on Pacific Avenue.
Lisa Herendeen, LCSW, M.Ed., is a private practice psychotherapist working with couples, families and individuals in Santa Cruz. Before she became a therapist she was a writer for various political organizations in Washington, D.C.