It’s hard to break up with Trump – Red America, I understand

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Hello, America – the last time we talked was in my Santa Cruz therapy office about eight years ago, when Donald J. Trump was elected. We talked about seduction and how easy it is to get sucked into a bad marriage with a narcissist. Bad marriages are one of my specialties here in Santa Cruz, due to personal and professional expertise. I am about eight years ahead of you in the leaving process. 

I see you are still in the struggle.  

I would say you are in the “You have been played and you don’t want to admit it” phase. Donald Trump’s destructiveness is hitting you. He senses it, too, which is why his rhetoric has become so dark and irrational. He is not doing this because he hates to lose you, he just does not want to lose the power you gave him. 

Let me offer some perspective.

The major feelings in this phase of a breakup are anger, shame or depression. Depression isn’t a feeling — it indicates you are suppressing your feelings. Shame is the one I remember the most. You are just stuck in a terrible bind facing difficult choices. And I remember a deep desire to go back in time, to denial or naïveté. You can’t unsee what you know about Trump.

Probably you are starting to notice the contradictions and extreme behavior of your partner. The part of you, America, that wanted so much to stop abortions must be having trouble comprehending this all. On the one hand, Trump really did deliver on stacking the Supreme Court and getting Roe v. Wade overturned, yet in many states the new law is so restrictive that innocent women are dying because of it. 

You might be thinking, “I just want traditional values back.” Or you might feel strongly about immigration reform, but you recognize he destroyed a bipartisan bill in Congress aimed at exactly that – immigration reform. Destruction is the name of his game. Narcissists always leave a path of destruction and don’t deliver on their promises, except in some twisted and self-serving way.

Believe me, I know how entrancing someone like him can be when they tell you exactly what you want most in the world. But he will tell any lie to anyone just to win. Are you sure he’ll be faithful to you, even when some big-time foreign dictator strokes his ego? He doesn’t have a good track record on loyalty.

Most women in abusive relationships will leave only when they see how the abuse and chaos is hurting their children. I call this the “Liz Cheney phase.” Cheney voted for Trump twice, but when she saw the storming of the U.S. Capitol on Jan. 6, 2021, she changed course.  

Almost everyone who worked for him says he is unfit and unstable. When it hits close to home, most people finally get out. 

It is time for you to leave as well.

You are angry and confused, you say. Underneath there is fear or grief, of course. But vengeance is a lazy form of grief. The longer you hang on, the more you will ingest the anger and hatred to the point that you won’t be able to see straight. Phrases like “they will slit your throat and eat your pets” are something you don’t want to hear from a partner. 

When I was at this crazy phase of my own divorce, I was about to walk into the San Mateo County courtroom, and my soon-to-be former husband told me how ugly and old I looked in the dress I was wearing. By then, I could see how he was just trying to provoke an emotional reaction. So it didn’t work. And Trump’s repugnant messages are aimed at doing the same thing. They are the utterings of a weak and angry man.

You are not the first person to fall for the wrong partner. 

The racism, sexism, fascism, greed and mental illness, personality disorders or stunning craziness are out in the open now. If you are beginning to be horrified by where you’ve come to, America, then that is good. It means you are on the verge of an awakening. It is time to face the mess. Working together is the only way through. Divorce can be brutal, but there is a path through, and you can do it, America.

Lisa Herendeen, LCSW, M.Ed., is a private practice psychotherapist working with couples, families and individuals in Santa Cruz. Before she became a therapist she was a writer for various political organizations in Washington, D.C.