The grandparent trap: How do families stick together in Santa Cruz’s maddening housing market?

I’m on my knees in the dirt, weeding a small patch of strawberries in what just might be the most breathtaking garden setting in America. On this crystalline June morning, I am a volunteer at the garden at the Esalen Institute in Big Sur, perched improbably on the bluffs overlooking the rocky shoreline and infinite horizons of the Pacific. 

I am chatting with another volunteer, and, as we pull weeds, our conversation turns quickly to a common lament these days, at least among a specific cohort: local homeowners over 50 with adult children, and often grandchildren, who live far away mainly because of affordability. 

My newfound gardening friend is a grandmother — let’s call her Ann — who lives with her husband in Bonny Doon. Her two children, both born and raised in Santa Cruz County, have made lives for themselves in other states, and her young grandchildren are growing up with only a remote relationship not only with their grandparents, but with the magic of living on the coast of California. 

I recognize the longing — I am not a grandparent, but I too have adult children living too far away — and I also recognize the vaguely sheepish tone of the conversation. These days, having stable and affordable housing in Santa Cruz or surrounding areas is like having won the lottery. Those who don’t have that kind of stable housing aren’t always in the mood to hear your frustrations about not being able to see your grandkids every day.

But that doesn’t mean those frustrations aren’t real. When Ann talked about all the time and expense of travel to see family and not being able to be part of their grandchildren’s everyday lives, the anguish was real. When she talked about pondering the decision to move closer to her grandchildren, she was articulating a maddening choice that many others are facing. Do you give up the community and the life you built over the course of decades? Or having your loved ones close? Why do you have to choose? Why can’t you have both?

It’s a rarely mentioned coda to the American Dream — that is, after attaining the nice-paying job and the affordable house, the privilege of having your closest family members nearby, enjoying their own version of the American Dream. In a housing market as difficult and expensive as Santa Cruz, even those who are all set on the housing front often experience the trauma of the housing market secondhand, through the struggles of their adult children, many of whom grew up in the area.

Some folks move away, for the primary purpose of being closer to their grandchildren. Others tolerate the oddly bifurcated life of the long-distance grandparent. And yet others are finding a way to make it work.

One such couple is Lisa and Jeff Kirk of Santa Cruz. The Kirks, both in their mid-60s, were long-distance grandparents when they suffered the loss of their first grandchild, Iris, in 2018. Since then, they’ve been blessed with two other grandchildren. Their family’s grief and the pandemic convinced them that they had to find a way to be closer to their grandchildren.

They found a way: The Kirks, their daughter, her husband and their two grandsons are all in the process of sharing the same Santa Cruz address.

They spent months looking for a property to buy, but nothing workable ever emerged. Eventually they landed on another solution: to remodel their existing house into a three-generation family home. 

“We already knew we all got along,” said Lisa Kirk. “But [we soon realized] how much we wanted to be there to support each other as the kids grew up, and through our aging.”

The Kirks are both originally from Illinois (a town, in fact, called Normal). Jeff Kirk grew up in a household that included his grandparents, and he always felt that arrangement was ideal.

“We both came from families that embraced the idea of different generations living together,” he said. “I always thought that was the best model, because you can give the kids a hand when they’re struggling in jobs or whatever. So we thought why not just consolidate and bring everybody together?”

The problem was they determined that their house was not a comfortable fit for four adults and two growing boys. So, taking advantage of an unfinished area on the ground floor, they embarked on an ambitious remodel where Jeff and Lisa can live in one part of the house and their daughter’s family in another part, with a shared kitchen. “We’d like to share meals together,” said Jeff.

Former Santa Cruz mayor Don Lane, 68, is in a similar situation. He and his wife, Mary, bought their Westside house decades ago. It was a house that featured a small “granny unit” (an accessory dwelling unit, in zoning language, or ADU) that they used for rental income. After a long and unfruitful search for a nearby house for their daughter, who had a husband and child of her own, the Lanes took another tack — they moved into the 500-square-foot ADU and allowed their daughter’s family to take on the main house. Now they only share a washing machine.

The arrangement has been in place only a few weeks — “It’s still pretty new,” he said — but so far, so good.

“It almost seems better. And it keeps getting better. During the move, we had to get rid of so much. You wouldn’t believe how often we went to Goodwill, or Habitat for Humanity. We had a yard sale, took a lot of stuff to the dump. But once you let go of stuff, you also realize: Why do I need more space?”

Lynn Howerton had a space on the ground floor of her house out of which she and her husband used to operate a small business. She converted that space for her son and his girlfriend to live, as a temporary measure. “They’re still looking to do something else,” she said. “But now, it’s great, because we’re separate, but on the same property.”

Other locals are not quite so fortunate. Chris Moran, for example, is a born-and-raised Santa Cruzan, and has lived in the same house in Ben Lomond for 40 years. Their daughter grew up here, but now lives in Henderson, Nevada, just south of Las Vegas, with her two children. 

“Our grandchildren are the light of our lives,” Moran said. “We have a fabulous relationship, and I’m very proud of that. And we do as much as we can to create a great relationship.”

That includes flying to Vegas three or four times a year, and FaceTime interactions with their grandkids every weekend. Chris and her husband could pull up roots and move to Nevada — “It’s not like we’re closed to the idea” — but it would entail giving up a productive and satisfying life that they’ve built for themselves. Chris, 72, is an artist who creates jewelry and ceramics, and a Santa Cruz County lifer. 

She said the current arrangement is probably “not sustainable,” but they are putting as much into it as they can, because they feel it is important for them to be a big presence in the lives of their grandchildren. “We’re just trying to change the family dynamic, and do better than perhaps the last generation did.”

Jean Mahoney’s story of bringing her family together has a happy ending. She grew up in Palo Alto and moved to Santa Cruz more than 40 years ago. She and her husband have paid off their mortgage, and were actively looking for a way to bring their daughter and grandson closer to them in Santa Cruz County, to create what she calls a “village.”

Looking for a rental unit for her daughter and grandson was a trial. After a news story broke that Santa Cruz had the highest rental market in the country, she noticed that rents shot up even higher as potential landlords sensed they could get even more for their units. “I felt very frustrated,” she said. “But I knew there was an answer and I had the hope that the answer would present itself. And it did.” After several months, her daughter found a suitable rental, and the Mahoneys are a “village” again — for now.

“I have to say, I cried during the process at times. And I’m not a crier usually.”

Whether families have found a solution or not, the housing market is still an impediment to the kind of family bonds that American culture has always maintained it values. The Lanes and the Kirks and other families who’ve brought adult children close into their daily lives have had to work out logistical and financial arrangements that can often be awkward. The key is communication, they say.

“The No. 1 thing is to have open and honest communication,” said Lisa Kirk. “This is not a fairy tale. You’re still six people trying to figure out how to live together. There are going to be frustrations as well as joys. Keep talking to one another.”

“This is a team thing,” said her husband, Jeff. “We help each other out, and it’s going to be great for all of us, because we’re working together.”

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