Quick Take
Making new friends after 50 is tough, writes Lida Berliner, especially in a beautiful place like Santa Cruz County, socially rich. But loneliness is real, particularly, she says, for women who, like her, have divorced, raised kids, cared for an aging parent and started over more than once. Berliner has a life partner, but is missing strong connections with female friends. That is why she is launching a local chapter of the national group Finding Female Friends Over 50. If you’re craving a lunch buddy, a biking partner or simply someone to share life’s foibles with, she hopes you’ll join.
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I’m in my 60s, and over the years, I’ve had friends come in and out of my life. Divorce, moving, changes in finances, launching kids, caring for an elderly parent, finding a new life partner.
It’s taken a toll on my relationships.
I now find myself in Santa Cruz and find living here terribly lonely. There aren’t obvious places to meet people – I’m way too old for bars and honestly lack the energy for taking ceramics, which I tried, but didn’t meet anyone I wanted to hang out with, or tai chi, which I did look into, but never got excited about. I’ve never been an exercise-class gal.
I just want a pal to lunch with, ride bikes, go to movies, check out fun bars for beers or cocktails, and maybe if we really jell and she’s an alpine skier like me, come up with me to my house in Truckee so we can ski at all the awesome ski resorts up there.
I want someone to share my experiences and talk to, but I’m finding it’s not easy to make friends when you are over 50.
I’ve been in this spot once before, also in Santa Cruz. I came in 2016, when my mom needed care.
Caregiving is all-consuming and deeply isolating. You get swallowed by the million daily needs of your disappearing loved one and you forget everything else. You lose people and you lose yourself.
Caregiving for my mom absorbed me so much I lost touch with many friends.
I did make one friend, someone I met on Craigslist (CL) personals, after I literally placed an ad looking for a platonic female friend. It’s weird to think about, but I actually found one. We stayed friends for many years, but then she moved back East and we lost touch.
Maybe this sounds like I can’t hold on to people. But it’s not that. It’s just life.
I met a new person five years ago who has become my life partner. He’s the reason I came back to Santa Cruz last year. I am happy to be here with him, but again, no friends in Santa Cruz.
In Santa Cruz, everything on the surface suggests connection. There’s natural beauty, good weather, cafés, farmers markets, bike paths, yoga studios and a general culture of wellness and activity. From the outside, it looks like a place where it should be easy to meet people and feel rooted.
The setting is gorgeous and lively, which makes the loneliness feel invisible. That is why I am writing this op-ed. I’m guessing I can’t be the only woman at this age in this situation.
In 2020, I learned about a national organization called Finding Female Friends Over 50 that sparked my interest. It was exactly what I needed, and I started a group in Truckee. Along the way, I got to know the national group founder, Dale Pollekoff, and have learned there are a lot of gals out there who’re in the same boat as me. Even The New York Times has written about it.
Through my group, I’ve made a couple great friends in Truckee. I hang out with these fabulous women every chance I get. I’d love to have friends like the ones I found in Truckee here in Santa Cruz County.
There are lots of gals nationwide in FFF>50, but we don’t have a presence in Santa Cruz. I’m hoping to change that.
The group is a free, nonprofit, although we do ask for our members to donate whatever they can to help keep the platform up and running. Our main goal is to bring women in our demographic (50-plus) together for lifelong friendships. Whether it’s local, online or both.
Santa Cruz has a women’s group called Now From Here, which also looks like it serves as a social club for women. But it’s not just for women over 50. It’s open to everyone. I’ve never been involved with the Now From Here group, but the more friendship groups that exist, the luckier we will all be.
What I’ve found in my 60s is that it’s often easy doing stuff by myself. No one to complain or change the plan. However, there’s lots of times that having a buddy would be more fun. The world can be a lonely place – especially in these harrowing political times. It’s vital that women – particularly women over 50 – find friends.
Finding the right people changes everything.
Lida Berliner is a retired Santa Cruz resident who spends part of her time in Truckee.